Are You a Phobophobe? Get Over Trying To Be Fearless!

Everyone wants to be fearless, but it feels off the mark. It feels like missing the point. Irresponsible. Stagnant. Denial. Inauthentic.

Fear has become this blacklisted word and every magazine cover is plastered with shiny headlines touting a quick and easy 5 step (lightweight) process to living your fearless life now. It’s the latest obsession.

How do I get over my fears? How do I live a fearless life? Screw honoring those feelings, that’ll get me nowhere. Fears, what fears? Deny, deny, deny.

And so we spend our lives magnetized to the very things that we’re running from. Focus gives power; a vicious cycle is born and fearlessness breeds an unhealthy fear of fear. Phobophobia – it’s a thing.

There are better things, more realistic things to strive for – freedom, undaunted, unlimited. These acknowledge fear and the bash it in the face, hard. To live the life you want it isn’t necessary to dispense with fear and pretending it’s not a part of the human experience only inspires panic, overwhelm, and alienation. Really, how can we not feel like a failure when the woman on the cover of this magazine is living her fearless life now and, shit, she’s got it down to 3 simple steps.

No one wants to be held back from fear (it’s probably holding you back in ways you haven’t even realized) but those feelings still need to be heard and honored.

If you really want to rise above your fear:
-Learn to listen to it objectively
-Admit that it’s there. It’s okay.
-Honor the feeling. You can’t get through it, if you don’t go through it.
-Decide if it’s worth one (or any) of your *effs. It may be practical to pull back sometimes and other times fear may keep you from charging forward when you need to get off your ass and go. It’s all in the awareness.

Join up with me today to end the phobophobia. Be objective with your fear. Be undaunted. Be unlimited.

Where Forgiveness is Found

Where does a man go for redemption
Where does he take a broken heart
Shouldn’t there be some small exemption
If he does all that it takes
To admit to his mistakes
Til the truth batters and breaks his world apart
I could ask for my forgiveness
From the heavens high above
Tell myself my prayers are gonna somehow be enough

 -Kenny Chesney “Always Gonna Be You”

Where does true forgiveness lie? Etched in the pews of a modest country road church? Locked within the heart of the wronged? Hidden in the subtext of a love song, just waiting to strike out like an epiphany? In the hands of the divine, ready and always wanting to be given (if only we accept)? Buried somewhere beneath our guilt and Sacred Lies and ambivalence?

The answer comes in pieces.

Forgiveness from another is nice. It’s comfort. It’s catharsis. It can be closure. It is not, however, necessary to move on – in spite of what we tell ourselves. I’ve learned that often the best you can do is sincerely apologize (justifications can taint the sincerity), make amends (if possible), and then move it along. They’ll come around or they won’t.

Forgiveness from the divine is wholly attainable and, for me, wholly necessary. Simply ask, simply be ready to receive and it is ours. I believe in a great many things, a benevolent divining force is high on that list.

You could stop here, many do, but then you’re stopping short on that road to true peace of mind. Yes, apologize to the wronged and seek forgiveness from the divine, but ultimately this missing peace comes from somewhere a little closer to home.

So often we keep ourselves plied with guilt. Self-flagellation is an unfortunate hobby – and a popular one. We literally drive ourselves crazy holding onto guilt. We internalize OR side-step OR project and transform the issue at hand until barely recognizable OR disguise it as a never-ending grand quest to win the approval of God. Maybe it’s some amalgamation of all of the above. Everyone is different.

You may never get the forgiveness you seek wrapped in a neat little bow (or at all). You may never receive the final word from above that you’re good to go (trust me, you are). What you can do is take control of the person keeping you up nights, browbeating you, infringing upon (and projecting in) other relationships, because it’s you.

Forgive and forgive again. Forgive everyone and everything like it’s going out of style. Forgive hard and often until day by day (and then moment by moment) you begin to feel the weight of fear, guilt, regret, and ill-wishes slide off your shoulders and into the Earth to be neutralized and left behind.

This is the one ‘F’ word that will always end in joy. It may hurt at first, but remember…

“Being genuinely happy means you’re okay being unhappy”
-Gabby B
 
Is something weighing you down? What are you holding onto that is keeping you cycle of dwelling and guilt? 
What can you forgive yourself for? What can you let go of?
Leave a comment. Write a letter to yourself. Pray. Whatever you have to do to acknowledge and release it.
Love Always,
Me

Charge Forward and Effin’ Rally

Are you having the right conversations?

With yourself? Your romantic partner? The world? The Universe?

Many times we put our emphasis on the things we want to avoid instead of the things we want to attract. I was beyond disheartened with all of the fear-based (read: lashing out) talk and action that sprung from the recent profile cases of racism and police brutality. My personal feelings about those cases aside, this is not the direction we’re supposed to be moving in.

Some of the #blacklivesmatter movement actions resonate with me (though I wish it simply #livesmatter) and some things repel me. Anger in and of itself isn’t negative, but you get to choose what action is borne of it.

It goes right down to law of attraction (like attracts like) – when you put your focus unto a thing it gives it power and pulls it right in close to you. If you ever wanted to know why your ‘I don’t want’s are front and center, here you are. Running away from something, lack mentality, praying not to be overweight, underweight, in debt, in a job you loathe – all the universe picks up on is the focus.

It’s all set up to get you just what you want, if you keep praying to just make it to the end if the week, you’re going to continue to just make it.

Change your perspective, change your life. Step outside of the lack mentality and the negative focus and just change the way you speak to yourself and so many doors open. The reality is you can’t move forward unless you have a firm grip on what you’re moving toward.

I found myself waxing philosophical on what we shouldn’t be and where we shouldn’t be heading. Maybe rants are what I needed at the time,  but I’m a natural rallier (if that’s not a word it should be; one who *effin rallies) and I can only run from something for so long, – I’m much more a charge forward kinda gal.

Please join me in a recommitment to charging forward. A recommitment to co-authoring our respective lives. A recommitment to desire. A recommitment to self-awareness, acceptance, and stepping into our true power.

We are the only thing standing in our way. We can have the lives we want. We can raise the vibrancy and vibrational frequency of this whole world. We can clear the bad things and create room for the good to flood in. We can. One action at a time, one day at a time. You know what they say about drops of water and the ocean, don’t you?

Rally.

In so many days
and ways
we trip over the jumble of words
that clutter our pages
like our subtext is written
right between the lines.
These rules aren’t new:
Clear space.
Physically, mentally.
Pinpoint.
What do you want?
Clarity is the root
of all exquisite things done.
What do you want?
Work.
Blessings meet the hands
of those charging forward,
not those idle and wanting.
Focus.
Flow.
Faith.
Your wants and needs will be met.
Be open,
wide open.
Remove the blocks
that “limit” you.
Be ready and willing to receive.
You were not made for ceilings,
you are without limits.
A love warrior.
A powerhouse.
Refine.
Clear again.
Get clear again.
Work.
Focus.
Flow.
Faith.
Get open.
Rally.

Love Letters to Strangers and 33 Things that Are Better When Winterfied (aka Reasons to Become a Winter Enthusiast)

How do you start to fall in love with a season you’ve loathed for a lifetime?

Add some love to the world.

Write love letters.

Lots of love letters.

Passionate. Funny. Short. Long. Witty. Rhyming. Inspirational. Doesn’t matter. Just write ’em.

What to do with all of that love you just penned?

Leave them.

Leave them everywhere.

Tuck them in magazine pages.

Prop them up on ledges.

Also, create a list of things that are better when winterfied. Here we go:

1) Hot chocolate – REAL DEAL hot chocolate. I love going to ACKC in Del Ray

2) Snuggles. Serioulsy, it’s just better when there’s a chill in the air.

3) Spurring random sing-a-longs is perfectly acceptable. I spend all year bursting out into song and people just blink at me (dgaf), BUT during the holiday season as long as it’s some jolly song people will join in! I love to spread the merry.

4) Fuzzy overload. Blankets, socks, sweaters. Gimme.

5) Soups, stews, and the like. Homemade. Give me a root vegetable some cheese and bacon and it is on! (Bonus: the abundance of root veggies gives me a chance to experiment with veggies I don’t normally eat in warmer weather).

6) Cinnamon. On. Everything.

7) Red wine. Cab Sauv seems to be that much more satiating in the winter weather.

8) This scarf that I just bought. In LOVE.

9) No one questions me shirking social obligation in favor of my faux mink blanket and deluxe queen bed.

10) On that note: it’s  the perfect time for reflecting and flying through creative endeavors.

11) Bonfires and s’mores because they go oh-so-perfectly together.

12) Hottubbing on snowy nights.

13) Snuggie justification.

14) Everything is covered in lights beginning in fall. Twinkle lights abound, like the stars came down for a visit.

15) People reflect the giving and humanity I know we’re capable of year-round.

16) Gatherings with friends and family I don’t normally get to see.

17) Cookies. COOKIES. COOOOOOOOKIES. Oh, and fudge,  I love homemade fudge.

18) Tights and extra-large thrifted man sweaters.

19) Tights in general because I love them.

20) Little to no people on the nature trails – there are times I enjoy making friends and there are times I enjoy my solitude Cold weather usually compels me to the latter.

21) All of the holidays clustered together. Never stop the celebrations!

22) Snowball fights.

23) Leaves crunching under my boots – simple things.

24) Creamy, thick, high gravity beers – stouts, porters, and lagers, oh my!

25) Twilight, my favorite time of day, is that much more breathtaking.

26) Searching for,  and cracking open,  a new (read: the perfect) planner. This year it’s this one.

27) Bubble baths. If there could just be never-ending bubbles.

28) Hilarious blockbuster family movie releases. Open season for Pixar.

29) Boot buddies. I needed these right meow!

30) Grey is a real color that I somehow forget about until winter and it looks so much better with the jewel and wine tones of the season.

31) Drastically reduced FOMO, maybe I convince myself everyone else hates the cold as much as me.

32) Intentional gratitude abound.

33) Whimsy is the flavor of the season.

The Road to Hell (and Ulcers and Debt) is Paved With Chronic People Pleasing

Well, one (not the only one) road to hell is paved with chronic people pleasing. I’ve written about compulsive yes – ing (here and here) in the past, but I always have more to say on this subject. It seems counter-intuitive, but an unrelenting need to make everyone around you happy (often at the sacrifice of your own happiness) can destroy relationships. This isn’t run of the mill do-gooding – this is drop everything no matter what every time, anytime. I’m talking the kind of people pleasing that leaves you with ulcers and debt.

Tony Robbins believes that we all have one question that governs most of our decisions. Two questions immediately popped into my head when I heard this and they go so hand in hand for me that I couldn’t separate them. “Will they love me? Will they stay?” My inner-critic revels in it. Neediness, over-compensating, needless competition or jealousy ensues. Romantic relationships, friendships, jobs. It was always the same story and there were always the same questions “Will they love me? Will they stay?”.

Trying to answer those questions literally drove me crazy and when I backslide (and of course I do sometimes) I feel the twinge of obsessive needing to be needed from years past start to surface. Back, back I say!

Are you a people pleaser? I can’t say for sure where you picked up the belief, but maybe your core question looks like mine – which is really just another way to ask “Am I enough?”.

You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.

-Maya Angelou

So where do we go from here? If there’s a people pleaser anonymous I haven’t found it yet.

There are so many pieces to consider. Whilst I was rooting through my shit bucket of limiting beliefs I began picking out the nuances trying to nail down the limiting beliefs I tied together to form this constant need to appease everyone. What is my relationship with giving? Validation? Self-worth? Receiving blessings?

Giving – obligation, necessity, loss

Validation – self-worth, craving, love

Self-worth – need, recognition, outsourced

Not exactly the well you’d want to draw your nurturing energy from – this is where the road to hell is paved with good intentions. If actions are driven by lower level desires, even the most well-intentioned act can blow up. That’s why it’s so important to know you’re giving from a place of love – give with love and be open to receive with love.

You are enough. You have enough. You DO enough. You don’t have to give everything away to be magnanimous. You don’t have to bear the weight of the world in order to win validation, recognition, or love.
Love Always,
Me