IfIShould

If I Should Die Tomorrow…

This is something a little different, a little dark.

Death is the only part of the life cycle that’s often spoken about in hushed tones. Mystified, revered, and feared – we sing about it, we write sonnets, but they are nearly always in the heart of the night spoken in metaphors with its essence only gleaned in the subtext.

But I don’t want hushed tones, aching, and tears at my death.
Instead sing from rooftops that I can finally find peace for my weary bones.
Shout that I lived and loved hard and died once the last ounce of passion left my body.
Tell them I used up everything.
Graffiti the walls with the words I spoke most often and may the lion’s share be the loveliest and most uplifting of things.
If I should die tomorrow, please don’t lay my body down.
Spread my ashes to the world.
Take me on one last trip.
Let me go in the wind.
Scatter me over seeds so that I may be part of the trees and it can be said that I began and ended with roots.
Place me at the center of all elements so that I may live eternity in perfect balance.
I have not lived quietly or apologetically so honor me by wearing red, dancing on a moonlit night in an open field of wildflowers, drinking good whiskey and great red wine, breathing slow in the morning, loving openly and unconditionally, and living your truth out loud every damn day.
Gather annually around a fire with good tunes – not to spend a weekend remembering me, but because I have found presence and connection to be the answer to nearly everything.
If I should die tomorrow, please don’t lay my body down.
May I still fly and swim and grow and burn,
may my words still rally,
may thoughts of me still inspire warmth,
and may my love still heal
long after the last of me is washed away to sea.

Love Always,
Me

Faith in Divine Will Means Faith in Divine Timing Photo provided by Heather Zabriskie via Unsplash.com

Find Faith in Divine Timing

Not-so-jokingly, I’ve been known to quip “Patience just isn’t my virtue.” – often in regard to petty things I couldn’t be bothered to wait for. Contrary to my “petty times” mantra, if one were to ask my closest friends they would paint me as a patient woman; I just like to think I choose my battles well.

When I remember who I am (love child of the divine and rebellion) and what I am (miracle maker and earth rattler), I am in my “right” mind. There is no room for anxiety or worry because my hands are too busy building to wring them fitfully, my mind is too focused on the moment to future trip*, my heart is too full of faith to deflate with impatience.

Faith that divining forces are vying for you through blessings AND lessons can serve as an exercise in anxiety and futility without the other half of the equation. We can throw up all of the prayers and requests we desire, but without the same strength of faith in Divine Timing we quickly become a fussy ball of impatient chaos. This missing piece can take that feeling of begrudging the mysterious deity playing with us like a chess match to deep breaths and “All in good time” mantras.

“But when? When?!” we cry as we half-heartedly cleave to belief that the universe or God or whatever you’re holding holy is conspiring in our favor. That waiting begins to feel like being stuck; if idle hands are the devil’s playground, an idle mind can play host to an ego all too eager to run around an anxiety filled merry-go-round. The only antidote is full surrender. No asking when it’s coming, no nights lying awake wondering and begging for signs. The anxiety and restlessness should dissipate without much effort beyond this shift.

No matter how scientific or magical your formula for manifestation may be you must fully surrender to the process. Your job is to move your feet, pray, and hustle like hell – not fret over when it’s coming. You’ve been heard. Everything in due time.

Are you checking in every 5 minutes wondering where your miracle is? Have you been twiddling your anxious thumbs waiting for your blessing to arrive? Surrender and then surrender some more.

Love Always,
Me

*Shout out to Gabby Bernstein

Photo Provided By Josh Felise via Unsplash, kiss, couple, love

An Ode To Quiet Love

I forgot about quiet love.
Love that only subtly let’s its presence be known.
I forgot about gentle love.
Love that doesn’t prod or pull you into unnatural shapes and tornadoes.
I forgot so deeply that I held no regard,
no value,
no recognition for the thing.
I’d only known love out loud.
The kind of love that flings itself up the stairs
to make declarations before the world.
The kind that stamps its feet
and says every little sweet nothing way out loud
because the noise makes the love real and big.
Enduring love that stings,
but is oh so satisfying
in that you know the passion and tension
will keep you going
well past the point
“let’s call it quits and still be friends”.
I began to believe that quiet love
is not love at all,
but a passionless,
cowardice,
avoidance of emotion.
I couldn’t see it as a real love.
I thought real love twirls you around the dance floor,
fights for you –
even if it’s against you,
and makes the grand gesture at just the right time.
I forgot about silent love that penetrates the soul
with just time and no words.
I fought the legitimacy of it all –
my intimacy always caught in frenzy.
I forgot about quiet love.

This is when I realized that I had succumb to a hidden Disney princess dream. How had I deluded myself into thinking it had passed me over? There it was: I wasn’t waiting for the someone to rescue me from a tower – I’m no damsel, but I was waiting though for someone to make the grand gesture. Run to the mountaintops and scream their love for me, prove their love by slaying dragons. This dynamic set me up for even a nice enough guy to never get past the butterflies stage because he couldn’t pull off this thing. I didn’t even know what it was, but it was big and I knew at the end of it that I would know for sure this man would love me forever and there would be no question in my mind.

The only problem with that is the novelty wears off and I’m always looking for the next big gesture to keep my attention, to keep up with the definition of love that I’ve formed.

To be honest, I enjoy a great, big love with passion and healthy dose of tension to keep it going. In my frenzied nature I filled the canyons with thoughts and questions. Don’t question every quiet moment, every wordless exchange. Not everyone can be “on” all of the time. Not every moment is soaked in passion and bliss.

How loud someone confesses their love to you is a poor measuring stick.

What preconceived notion of love are you willing to release?

How to Redefine Challenge and Endurance

The life I want isn’t quiet, calm, or easy. I want my comfort zone to crack, I want my walls to shake, I want my glass ceilings shattering left and right. Somewhere along the way not wanting to take shit became ungrateful and lazy. I don’t agree.

Once upon a time I found out my life path is endurance and my low-level, chaos loving, naive ego whispered into my ear “That makes sense, you can take an inordinate amount of shit and keep on going.” Somehow just running a marathon wasn’t enough if I didn’t have to wade through muck and ruck uphill. My life has taught me to embrace a certain amount of suck and that isn’t a bad thing, but challenge doesn’t always equal as suffering. It took me a long time to understand that this life path of endurance wasn’t an excuse to put my sanity on the line. I needed my endurance to lend its energy to something different; I needed something more than I can make it through the crappy situations that I keep exposing myself to.

I have found that there are three courses you can take through this metaphorical marathon of life.

The first course feels like stagnancy, but is really more like comfortable and boring as hell; you’re still moving forward at a steady pace, but there is nothing to challenge and there will never be any change. This may be the most comfortable path for some, but they will never be challenged, never grow, and if something blows into their path they will have no idea what do about it. Life as they know it would come to a screeching halt. On this path everyone is running their own race with blinders on. The runners are barely aware that anyone is beside them let alone willing to stop and help.

The second course is rebellion; this path is full of fire and brush and swamps and looking for love in all the wrong places. Upon first look one might think this is the path less taken, but this has its own special kind of miserable comfort. On this path people are only waiting to trip you up or bring you down to their level because, well, misery loves company.

The last course truly is the one less taken; this path transforms with you. As you grow to meet the current challenge it will push you further and further out of your comfort zone. This path knows you and your deepest fears, but the course is built for success. This is the path you will find the most support and love within and you will run faster and jump higher than you ever thought possible if you just put in the work.

Sometimes you change the course. Hell, I did a few times over.

I don’t want comfortable, I never have, but I have changed what I am willing to endure. Sure, life will throw curve balls. Sure, bad things may happen, but I am unwilling to intentionally run into the line of fire anymore in the name of endurance. Challenges may be uncomfortable, but ultimately result in growth. How do you know if you are suffering needlessly? One wonderful way to know the difference – you’ll end up right back where you started. If you’re on a hamster wheel there is no real forward momentum, only tireless scrambling and one hell of a leg cramp.

What patterns aren’t working for you anymore? What course do you think you’re running? I’d love to hear!

Love Always,
Me