I am afraid of disappointing people –
no, not just people.
My parents and my man.
I am afraid they will look at me
and I will not be able to raise myself up
to their standards.
I am afraid I won’t be able to take care of them
or they will leave me at a time when I struggling to take care of myself.
Ultimately I am afraid I will let them down.
So I shut down. I don’t show up.
I wait and wonder if I can do this.
I have pretty deeply rooted issues
with my parents on being “good enough”
(Oh! That Sacred Lie)
and these of course have trickled down into relationships of all sorts,
but it plays out the heaviest with my partner.
I don’t always feel this way.
I have done a lot of work on my relationship
with my parents and myself.
Most of the time I feel fully supported
in whatever it is I want to do
and the lack of support I feel in those lesser times
comes from myself.
At those moments I live out of fear
and it is an excuse to not let go and grow.
Why is all of this important to know?
I quit my job –
or rather through fateful circumstances
I attempted to quit
and was consequently fired
for not showing up to work.
I will not bash any institution nor name names of any sort,
but I hated my job.
It was a poor match for both my skillset
and my innate ability for deeper connection.
Staying there was a slap in the face
of my intelligence and personality.
Everyday on my way to work I wanted to cry –
or run my car into a jersey wall
because it was mindless, soulless work.
Don’t get me wrong,
I believe they do good work
and this was just an epic mismatch
of wills, ambitions, and world view –
but no job should make you feel that miserable.
I wasn’t bringing home enough money to be free,
so there was the added stress of paying bills –
definitely could not take up money to go do things
to balance out discontented 40 a week.
Of course this strain took a toll
on all of my relationships
because I became very withdrawn –
but mostly with my partner,
he was very distraught
because he couldn’t do anything
to save my from myself.
In short, I should have left a while ago.
Now I’m gone without a safetynet,
but with the full support
of both my family and my partner,
but I still somehow feel like a disappointment.
Like, I should have stuck it out –
I should have just held out until the holidays are over.
Christmas and Thanksgiving are coming up fast.
It was so draining to be in a place that was all about lack.
You’re good, but you can do better.
We need more of this,
don’t have enough of that.
You’re not doing enough.
You’re not bringing in enough.
I had, had enough.
I choose not to live my life like that.
I believe whole-heartedly that I’m exactly where I’m meant to be.
Obviously I have a hard time quitting things,
but I was reminded not too long ago that
“Saying no to someone – is like saying yes to yourself.”
and there is no shame in that.
When is the last time you said yes to yourself?