Post-Impromptu Hiatus

It’s only fitting that the last entry before my impromptu hiatus should be “What do you fear?” this has been the center of my journey for the past couple of months.

What am I afraid of?

It’s funny, as aware as I tend to be I still miss things sometimes – there are still things that I don’t readily see about myself.

The stories I don’t understand are the “I woke up one day and I was 400 lbs.” No, you most certainly did not. You had health conditions, McDonald’s, lack of exercise – I’m not even saying it’s your “fault”. However all of the signs and mounting lbs. were there and you blinded yourself from a glaring truth.

Over the past two months I have come to realize that I feel that way because an extra 300 lbs. is not my cross to bear. My “I woke up one day” story goes a little more like this: I woke up one day and realized that I have only been in romantic relationships based on need and furthermore I have pushed away people who have come to my life purely out of want. My significant other needed me, in one way or another, and to be honest I preferred it that way without realizing it.

I want you to know that I realize that these are extreme limiting beliefs and intellectually I am aware of the disconnect from reality, but these are the lies that the terrible black cloud of my ego has whispered in my ear. Let me call myself on my own bs in the most raw terms: it is my limiting belief that I am not enough on my own – I am fearful of a relationship that puts me in a position in which I have nothing to give but *gulp* myself. In my subconscious it’s one thing to have someone say I didn’t do “enough” for them, that what I DID for them fell short of expectation and want; it’s an entirely different animal that requires a level of vulnerability that I have just come to begin cultivating that allows me to be in a relationship based on want because it’s so much more painful to be rejected because “just you” isn’t enough.

You know what I’m going to say, A Course in Miracles teaches that we can learn out of joy or pain… guess how this little A-Ha came about? Many scars, throat grating cries, and breakdowns later.

So what does this mean for me? A certain restructuring. Not only did I take a break from life, but from my relationships (both platonic and romantic) so that I could take a step back and see where I’m doing things out of necessity. I have stepped back from things I thought I never would and I am rediscovering the people and things that bring pleasure to my life. A life without pleasure isn’t being fully experienced at all.

Although I have not completely shut any person or thing out of my life roles are definitely shifting a bit more rapidly than is comfortable for me, but I’m along for the ride. I’ve already gone down the rabbit hole and had my world turned upside down. Now I’m just waiting for the universe and love to lead me home.

These little blurbs – spiritual bitch slaps, faith reminders, core shakers – they don’t come from thin air. I fight the same battles everyday. Awareness is only the first step, but it is quite often the hardest and most easily pushed aside. I implore everyone that reads this to take a good hard look at your patterns and really pull on the root reasons for your behaviors, attractions, habits, whatever.

Light and love,

Kiera

 

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