Sometimes I wonder who I would have been… if I had taken a different road along the way, veered off course, made a different decision, made the “right decision”. Introspection can be a powerful and heartbreaking thing; it can be a tool to take you to the next level and discover a deeper level of intuitive knowing and clarity, it can be a crutch that allows you to recycle old story lines that tie you down until you can save yourself (or the boy or the girl), it can be fatal. The real question of dwelling, “Would I be happier?”
Colder weather often has me turn inward, I don’t know why, perhaps an annual regeneration period. Also, I was painting a salvaged rocking chair and that has meditative qualities all on its own.
There should be more classes on how to write yourself a love letter.
Dear Lovely Me,
Open this when you find yourself dwelling.
I wonder who you would’ve been if you had made better decisions, if it wasn’t only your hindsight that was 20/20. The lessons you could have learned the first time around, the heartache you could have saved yourself. If only.
I wonder who you would’ve been if you had learned what it really meant to be pretty years ago and that it really wasn’t (isn’t) worth the trouble. I wish you would’ve known there were better aspirations and that beautiful was a thing unto itself. Permeates skin, bone, marrow – radiates outward from a place of compassion, kindness, service, joy, love. I wish you knew at an earlier age that you were that all along.
I wonder who you would’ve been if you hadn’t taken the chances that you took. I wonder, if you hadn’t been selfless to the point of self-serving, naive, doe eyed and readily giving of your heart and your resources – would you be happier? Would you be more whole without those (tangible and intangible) pieces of you lying around waiting to be picked up and collected like a lucky penny in a gas station parking lot? Would you see the heartbreak and the value in second chances?
I wonder who you would’ve been if you spent less time trying to prove yourself fearless and more time striving to be undaunted by fear. Phobophobia. You could be out fighting for your ideal life instead of fighting to forget, to let go, to find yourself time and time again. Perhaps you wouldn’t hand your passions away to excuses – time, expense, or other such finite things. What if you didn’t give your power to finite forces, destined to end, and instead invested your energies in the infinite?
What if you hadn’t loved so hard? What if you had just walked away before heartache reached heartbreak? If you had just done this. If you had never done that. If you had tried harder. If you hadn’t been so much. If you had held on. If you had let go. All of the ifs and shoulds come from a tug-of-war between your ego and heart. You’ve been at a crossroads. Your ego struggles to stay disappointed, in a malaised haze. Your heart fights to ignite you, to set the world ablaze. You want to step back and watch it light up, but with so many wrong turns before how can you trust yourself?
I love you endlessly. Unconditionally.
Look back with no bias, no judgment and honor the path that has brought you this far. The “wrong” decisions helped fine-tune your intuitions, the heartache transformed you. Years of trying to be pretty weren’t lost, they inspired empathy and a broad view of beauty. How could you have come to this level of understanding, compassion, strength without taking chances and a little pain?
I don’t know who you would’ve been without the people you’ve loved (and loved you back) deeply. They gave you pieces of themselves as well. A Norseman and carny – unconditional love. Stilettos and cheerleader – self-confidence. Love at first sight and a Superman – hope, acceptance. A southern prep and my oldest friend – authenticity. A beloved mountain man and soldier – self-worth, true beauty. Unfortunately and fortunately, the best parts of you came out when your soul was rubbed raw and your heart was just plain split open.
Truth is, I don’t want to know who we would’ve been. I love the scars, bumps, and bruises. We may have found other ways to develop what have become our best traits. Perhaps.
Just love the ride. never stop loving wholly. and keep on letting that freak flag fly high.
You Know Who