Photo Provided By Josh Felise via Unsplash, kiss, couple, love

An Ode To Quiet Love

I forgot about quiet love.
Love that only subtly let’s its presence be known.
I forgot about gentle love.
Love that doesn’t prod or pull you into unnatural shapes and tornadoes.
I forgot so deeply that I held no regard,
no value,
no recognition for the thing.
I’d only known love out loud.
The kind of love that flings itself up the stairs
to make declarations before the world.
The kind that stamps its feet
and says every little sweet nothing way out loud
because the noise makes the love real and big.
Enduring love that stings,
but is oh so satisfying
in that you know the passion and tension
will keep you going
well past the point
“let’s call it quits and still be friends”.
I began to believe that quiet love
is not love at all,
but a passionless,
cowardice,
avoidance of emotion.
I couldn’t see it as a real love.
I thought real love twirls you around the dance floor,
fights for you –
even if it’s against you,
and makes the grand gesture at just the right time.
I forgot about silent love that penetrates the soul
with just time and no words.
I fought the legitimacy of it all –
my intimacy always caught in frenzy.
I forgot about quiet love.

This is when I realized that I had succumb to a hidden Disney princess dream. How had I deluded myself into thinking it had passed me over? There it was: I wasn’t waiting for the someone to rescue me from a tower – I’m no damsel, but I was waiting though for someone to make the grand gesture. Run to the mountaintops and scream their love for me, prove their love by slaying dragons. This dynamic set me up for even a nice enough guy to never get past the butterflies stage because he couldn’t pull off this thing. I didn’t even know what it was, but it was big and I knew at the end of it that I would know for sure this man would love me forever and there would be no question in my mind.

The only problem with that is the novelty wears off and I’m always looking for the next big gesture to keep my attention, to keep up with the definition of love that I’ve formed.

To be honest, I enjoy a great, big love with passion and healthy dose of tension to keep it going. In my frenzied nature I filled the canyons with thoughts and questions. Don’t question every quiet moment, every wordless exchange. Not everyone can be “on” all of the time. Not every moment is soaked in passion and bliss.

How loud someone confesses their love to you is a poor measuring stick.

What preconceived notion of love are you willing to release?

The Road to Hell (and Ulcers and Debt) is Paved With Chronic People Pleasing

Well, one (not the only one) road to hell is paved with chronic people pleasing. I’ve written about compulsive yes – ing (here and here) in the past, but I always have more to say on this subject. It seems counter-intuitive, but an unrelenting need to make everyone around you happy (often at the sacrifice of your own happiness) can destroy relationships. This isn’t run of the mill do-gooding – this is drop everything no matter what every time, anytime. I’m talking the kind of people pleasing that leaves you with ulcers and debt.

Tony Robbins believes that we all have one question that governs most of our decisions. Two questions immediately popped into my head when I heard this and they go so hand in hand for me that I couldn’t separate them. “Will they love me? Will they stay?” My inner-critic revels in it. Neediness, over-compensating, needless competition or jealousy ensues. Romantic relationships, friendships, jobs. It was always the same story and there were always the same questions “Will they love me? Will they stay?”.

Trying to answer those questions literally drove me crazy and when I backslide (and of course I do sometimes) I feel the twinge of obsessive needing to be needed from years past start to surface. Back, back I say!

Are you a people pleaser? I can’t say for sure where you picked up the belief, but maybe your core question looks like mine – which is really just another way to ask “Am I enough?”.

You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.

-Maya Angelou

So where do we go from here? If there’s a people pleaser anonymous I haven’t found it yet.

There are so many pieces to consider. Whilst I was rooting through my shit bucket of limiting beliefs I began picking out the nuances trying to nail down the limiting beliefs I tied together to form this constant need to appease everyone. What is my relationship with giving? Validation? Self-worth? Receiving blessings?

Giving – obligation, necessity, loss

Validation – self-worth, craving, love

Self-worth – need, recognition, outsourced

Not exactly the well you’d want to draw your nurturing energy from – this is where the road to hell is paved with good intentions. If actions are driven by lower level desires, even the most well-intentioned act can blow up. That’s why it’s so important to know you’re giving from a place of love – give with love and be open to receive with love.

You are enough. You have enough. You DO enough. You don’t have to give everything away to be magnanimous. You don’t have to bear the weight of the world in order to win validation, recognition, or love.
Love Always,
Me

Unconditionally: Open When You Find Yourself Dwelling

Sometimes I wonder who I would have been… if I had taken a different road along the way, veered off course, made a different decision, made the “right decision”. Introspection can be a powerful and heartbreaking thing; it can be … Continue reading

What to do When the Past Pulls on Your Heartstrings

No matter what you attribute it to. Whether it’s a test from above, a small world scenario, or a thing you never fully dealt with – sometimes things come back ’round. What do you do about it then?

I’ve seen a lot of grief models, broken heart how-to’s, and decimated dream survival guides. Most of them are sorely lacking a key step: detachment. Once you’ve dealt, detach. That’s a post unto itself, but I felt it worth mentioning.

There’s this sort of shame that comes with letting a thing from the past affect you – likely something to do with the same old vulnerability associations with weakness. *I did the work to move on for a year( or two years or longer), I prayed, I worked my ass off, I forgave, I took other opportunities, I accepted, so why do I feel a pull on my heartstrings now?*

It’s maddening, heart-wrenching even. Full circle sucks, but that little niggling sorrow you feel doesn’t put you back to square one.

Own your feelings. Take stock of how you have changed for the better since the whatever-gate occurred. Don’t lose sight of the wonderful Take a moment to fully experience that feeling, whatever it is that you’re feeling. (Really, it’s okay.) Breathe deep. Release. Detach.

Repeat until that heaviness lifts. Repeat until you’re realigned with the divine will for your best-ness in everything. Repeat until it doesn’t sting. Repeat until there’s no shame tied to slipping up. Choose your own life metric system; repeat until you’re back where you need to be on the scale of your choosing.

If a part of you still loves him, still covets that job, still holds onto that dream, still reworks and wonders and what ifs, it doesn’t mean you lose. You know the spiel, it’s all about the journey + accept and love where you are.

Love Always,
Me

The Wild-Eyed, Wide-Eyed, Naked, and Gracious, Lovers of Everything

Part I – A Call to the Wild-Eyed, Wide-Eyed, Naked, and Gracious, Lovers of Everything
Nothing in this world sheds layers like laying down some truth. Knowing who you are, why you’re here, and stripping down for the masses in the name of love. Sexy.
Nothing in this world is quite so frightening or quite so beautiful as baring it all, undaunted. I want bare skin, bare bones, bare truth and only some chilled air between us.
Alas, there will be no nudity today much to your relief (dismay?).
Danielle LaPorte’s #desiremap teaches a beautiful, whole ‘nother side to goal planning using CDF’s (Core Desired Feelings). Authentic has become this sort of cheesy New Age-y buzzword and has begun to remind me of the YOLO tribe – good bones, poor execution. Still, it stands as one of my diehard CDF’s is Authentic (or maybe just plain ole’ Real is better). Call me kooky, but it makes me think of stripping everything down.
Those are the people I want in my tribe:
living their lives as a prayer,
identifying the strength in being vulnerable,
naked,
transparent,
wide-eyed and wild-eyed,
brimming with gratitude,
hearts wide open.
Come.
Dance with me,
celebrate with me,
linger with me in the buff
and chuck up the deuces
to those that have always told us
we are much too much.
Even the silent can be bold and live out loud.
Tanah Lot by JasonParis https://flic.kr/p/auDdct

Tanah Lot by JasonParis
https://flic.kr/p/auDdct


Part II – Stripping People Against Their Will is Frowned Upon
There was a time I thought everyone wanted to be seen (unmasked). A propensity for reading people coupled with an immature filter moved me to strip down the people that came close to me. Intentionally, but never with malice. Never gave thought to the fact that maybe they wouldn’t want to hear it or maybe they just weren’t ready. I’m just saving them heartache, pain, and time – my justification. Let’s call a spade, a spade: I was being judge-y. I’ve gotten better, but the urge and the “know best” tone still lingers.
Frustrations only grew when whomever finally came to terms with whatever they needed to come to terms with; they would sling back the same insights I had been telling them for months (sometimes years). Thing is people realize things on their own  terms, on their own time. I do it and I’m one of the worst offenders. You do it too. We’re a stubborn kind.
Armed with this knowledge, one might think that I let people go on to make their own mistakes and learn things in their own time, but I still care (and I’m especially the stubborn kind) so I still speak my piece. My goal now is to let it go after that. I hold space, I pray, but I don’t worry or push my agenda… however well-intentioned
Once upon a time I thought I was here to pry eyes open and if I sat around watching this or that person plummet into their despair I’d get all hot and bothered (not in a sexy way). This may very well be my raison d’etre, at the end of the day it’s not my baggage nor my weight to bear. And someone wiser than me tried to spare me the heartbreak of carrying the world’s pain, but just try telling a half-grown someone with a heart full of compassion and no personal boundaries that the pain of the world is not theirs to hold.
Detachment isn’t apathy; that’s a lifetime of lesson right there.
 I’d like to hear a “Let It Go” parody for that – letting go of other people’s shit buckets.
I say it often, forgive me for repeating myself, the world needs hearts on fire!
Love Always,
     Me