Let me just hang this out in the air for a moment there: neglect is a form of abuse – a SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE form of abuse.
What the *eff, and WHY?! Let me spin it this way, if a child was neglected the media would be up and arms and social services would be contacted immediately to have the child removed from the parents’ “care”. So please tell me why, once we enter the romantic the dating arena, it is completely acceptable to be neglected. We make excuses for it! When it reaches a certain point this is no better than verbal abuse – it can have irreparable damage on the psyche causing one to jump and fight for attention any time their mate (or family member or friend) pulls away in the slightest bit. I’m going to say that I have been guilty of this in the past too; I have allowed it to happen in my past relationships and I make the normal excuses. The more your run around this circle the more you teach the “neglecter” that it’s okay to treat you that way. Personally, it left me crazy starved for attention.
I’m not talking the run of the mill he/she’s too busy to hang out with me this weekend, he/she doesn’t show interest in what I like, he/she never does anything romantic. I’m talking no communication, disappear for a few days, never willing to indulge in or encourage you to pursue your interests, doesn’t even care to discuss what’s happening in their life. Serious and willful neglect – the kind of relationship where you know you’ve felt less alone by yourself. If that person isn’t filling ANY of your needs there is a problem there. If a relationship is not fulfilling any of your needs, it IS causing you pain because placeholders are not as innocent as they seem.
If you take nothing else away while you’re reading this – relationships tend to flow so much into the other parts of your life that it is imperative that they are alive and breathing freely. So if it’s not a HELL YES – it’s a no. I know that my romantic partner tends to be my best friend, my anchor and I need that balance because I’m a little (maybe a lot) on the floaty, whimsical side and it may be different for you, but interpersonal relationships in general are such a big slice of my pie that if I’m not getting what I need from them I melt a little and sometimes my boundaries come undone.
A little aside about feeling supported in your relationships:
Gabby Bernstein featured a vlog about feeling supported in her life – throughout her career, in her relationships, in her finances. Supported – I love it. She speaks about Danielle LaPorte’s “Desire Map” and her practice of intentionally designating a set of feelings as core feelings. In the front of my planner at work, on the background of my laptop, sometimes scrawled on a post it and stuck on the surfaces surrounding my desk, but I never once thought about being supported until I heard that. Take stock of your feelings surrounding relationships.
What do you want to feel? Neglected, lonely, constantly fighting for attention? I didn’t think so; I certainly don’t want to feel that way. I can be lonely all on my own. Are you in a neglectful relationship? With others? With yourself? Are you the neglected or the one who neglects? What would you make room for if you let that relationship (that isn’t serving your needs) go?
- Love Addicts Anonymous (sixtyandsingleagain.wordpress.com)
- 6 Reasons To “Call It Quits”… (robwriter2000.wordpress.com)
- Want Extraordinary Relationships? Use a North Star (prweb.com)
- Silent No More (valeriemock2.wordpress.com)
I have loved a man and lost him,
I judged and tortured myself,
I have been on the brink of giving up and giving in.
Still I stay open.
I have been ripped open,
I have been spit on,
I have been kicked while I’m down.
Still I stay open.
I have been openly mocked,
I have been torn down and turned away,
I have stumbled and fallen to unforgiving concrete.
Still I stay open.
This is where strength is cultivated,
this is where the definitions of vulnerability are changed,
this is where long forgotten battles are finally won.
Where do you find your epiphanies and a-has?
Your moments of calm knowing and clarity?
I find them in moments of joy,
but they are very often lost from not being earned.
I remember and keep them through painful trials.
I used to balk at the trials,
but now I accept them like tangible things
and treasure them like precious gems that adorn my temple.
I never wanted to learn that way –
never through I would have to.
That is why I strive to stay open
so that every day is one step closer
to learning every lesson through joy.
I keep going,
I keep carrying on,
I keep loving through it,
I stay open.
I breathe in the pain of the world
and exhale every ounce of compassion from my reserves,
like a beautiful woman taught me once.
I have suffered like you have suffered.
I would not stand as tall,
I would not live my life in love,
I would not have found bliss without it.
I just want to tell you that you are not alone,
through every tear and trial and tickle and triumph
my heart praises and raises the love in yours,
and always – ALWAYS – stay open
because you will make it through.
I Love You Always,
Well, everyone! This is a little catch-all list of the ladies I’m loving these days. More specifically, these are the people at have me immersed in the thick of spiritual seduction and the sweat of self-love work and caught up in stark (and frankly sometimes damn scary) white hot truth. These women can pull truth, authenticity, self-love, and faith out of a stone. This is who I’m loving these days:
And as ALWAYS, the ladies NEVER get old:
Thank you for all you offer to the world. Keep on loving.
- How falling in love with potential can actually be a good thing (myvonnetaylor.wordpress.com)
- Day 9 – Be willing to love yourself (bernardtalks.com)
- Getting Real About Body Image (typicalhousecat.com)
- 10 characteristics that reflect real love (christineperkett.com)
I am the queen of compromise.
A true poster child for
always give a little more than you take.
Embodiment of nurturing, selflessness,
and unconditional, enduring love.
I get lost sometimes;
isn’t it nice to know
that everyone feels that way at times –
in a sort of someone GETS it kind of way?
I forget to practice what I preach,
I slip up for a moment,
but I always catch myself
and that’s what it is about.
This brings me to my latest A-ha Moment.
I was enjoying a milk bubble bath and
re-reading Danielle LaPorte’s Fire Starter Sessions
for the 4th (maybe?) time and something !clicked!
I rounded to the metrics of ease
and her opening pushes you
to reassess your definition of ease.
She asks: What if you only did what was easy?
I stopped to pick out other things in my life
I need to redefine.
What if my (your) happiness was a necessity?
By extension wants knead seamlessly into needs.
How would I (you) live life
and reexamine constant compromise
if my (your) happiness was a nonnegotiable thing?
Short and sweet – ponder it.