The People I’ve Been

Child. Rebel. Saint. Liar. Crazy. Kind. I’ve been a lot of things over the course of my life. Each part makes up the sum of who I am today. Though I strive for self-acceptance because I feel like that’s a huge chunk of self love, I don’t always like who I’ve become. It just seems like I’ve gotten so far away from who I was.

Most days are sunny and bright and so obviously full of love and beautiful moments and divine synchronicities, but this isn’t about most days… There are days I have to try hard just to like myself and there are many moments that I don’t quite succeed. I keep wanting to be who I was when I was free and unfettered. I want to be who I was before I had to put together a shattered heart. I used to be fun. I used to be wide open. I used to be love embodied. But now I have these not-so-hidden scars and lingering ghosts and a suitcase full of detritus. I know intellectually that it’s that clinging that inhibits me from finding who I am now. It kind of seems like I’m a whole new person. But my heart wishes that silver linings were still crystal clear and the rose colored spectacles often call my name from the back of a drawer where I keep my forgotten things. I’m far from bitter, but not quite clean of life’s messy stains. On those struggling days it feels like a war between my anxious mind and optimistic heart; as if the idealism won’t quite be swept away, but obtrusive dank reality has moved right in and set up its shit everywhere.

I’m a true Leo through and through – definitely a maker. “They” tell me I need to share, to create, to be heard in order to be happy. But I don’t write the way I used to. Even the uplifting pieces all seem to have the gray pallor of a subtle sadness. And I don’t dance the way I used to. There’s no time. No time for fun. No time for freedom. Even surrounded by love and laughs I feel a not-so-distant yearning in every step and every move feels contrived and calculated. No creation = no exhale. Breathing is the root of thriving. Someone pretty smart said something like that once… clearly the lesson didn’t stick. That’s the trouble with epiphanies, sometimes they just don’t have the staying power of scars. In a perfect world all wisdom would be painlessly won through epiphanies, but we aren’t perfection and we as people have aligned world wisdom with painful lessons.

So what’s the fix? It’s much easier said than done to accept where you are in any given moment and to always treat yourself with compassion. I know that’s where the magic happens. I know doing isn’t the same as making. I know that transformation is a necessary and beautiful thing. But here I am, just trying to remember to breathe. Trying to learn how to move these old limbs in new, meaningful ways. Trying to learn how to arrange these old words in the new ways that stir my soul.

I’m not really one for resolutions, but if I had to make one it would be to stop doing an imitation of the girl I was and to fully discover and embrace the woman I am now.

Love Always,
Me

Discovery of Personal Power with Madeleine L’Engle and (A Bit of) Gushing Over Gregory Smith

Current book cover art by Taeeun Yoo, showing ...

Current book cover art by Taeeun Yoo, showing the Mrs Ws (at the left) and the children at the CENTRAL Central Intelligence building (at the right) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Pretty much all of my favorite stories as a child (and even now) center around the hero(ine) finding themselves through some epic journey through a far off land or even in their own backyard. A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle is by far one of my most favorite childhood reads and of course the book is always better but unfortunately I find myself a little short on time to indulge in an entire afternoon of reading these days and yester-evening I was just in that mood for a little bit of wonder so I found it on Netflix and slipped in.

English: American-Canadian actor Gregory Smith...

English: American-Canadian actor Gregory Smith at the Roma Fiction Fest 2008 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

***Okay, I have to admit that I DO have a ridiculously large celebrity crush on Gregory Smith and I find him to be absolutely adorable in this movie, but all the same I love the story line. Let me be even more honest: I respect him as a pretty wonderful actor, but I also think that he is absolutely gorgeous! That’s him right there!***

When I revisit this story something shifts within me, a sort of power that I sometimes forget lives within me burns bright once again because I used to be that girl. I wasn’t the pretty girl, I was the girl that was smart enough, but would never realize her full potential. Truth is there just wasn’t much I was passionate about during school that didn’t somehow reflect the love I wanted to bring into the world. Yes, I was a 7 year old hippie; I’m not really sure how that happened as my parents lean towards the conservative.

I adore Meg’s character and the way that Ms. L’Engle illustrates her coming into her own power – she realizes that she just does her own thing in her own way in her own time and not only is that okay it’s miraculous and necessary to carve new paths into the world. She’s able to find the special and love in everyone around but herself. Through her adventure she is forced to discover faith, acceptance, confidence, and love, things that were quite alive in her the entire time, in order to fight the darkness in the book known as It.

If you find yourself bored or in need of a little wonder pull A Wrinkle in Time up on Netflix with your friends or children or watch it solo. What childhood books, movies, or stories do you revisit when you need a little pick-me-up?

Madeleine L'Engle

Madeleine L’Engle (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Enough of my gushing, I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from this book,

“We do not know what things look like. We know what things are like. It must be a very limiting thing, this seeing.” -Aunt Beast