Not-so-jokingly, I’ve been known to quip “Patience just isn’t my virtue.” – often in regard to petty things I couldn’t be bothered to wait for. Contrary to my “petty times” mantra, if one were to ask my closest friends they would paint me as a patient woman; I just like to think I choose my battles well.
When I remember who I am (love child of the divine and rebellion) and what I am (miracle maker and earth rattler), I am in my “right” mind. There is no room for anxiety or worry because my hands are too busy building to wring them fitfully, my mind is too focused on the moment to future trip*, my heart is too full of faith to deflate with impatience.
Faith that divining forces are vying for you through blessings AND lessons can serve as an exercise in anxiety and futility without the other half of the equation. We can throw up all of the prayers and requests we desire, but without the same strength of faith in Divine Timing we quickly become a fussy ball of impatient chaos. This missing piece can take that feeling of begrudging the mysterious deity playing with us like a chess match to deep breaths and “All in good time” mantras.
“But when? When?!” we cry as we half-heartedly cleave to belief that the universe or God or whatever you’re holding holy is conspiring in our favor. That waiting begins to feel like being stuck; if idle hands are the devil’s playground, an idle mind can play host to an ego all too eager to run around an anxiety filled merry-go-round. The only antidote is full surrender. No asking when it’s coming, no nights lying awake wondering and begging for signs. The anxiety and restlessness should dissipate without much effort beyond this shift.
No matter how scientific or magical your formula for manifestation may be you must fully surrender to the process. Your job is to move your feet, pray, and hustle like hell – not fret over when it’s coming. You’ve been heard. Everything in due time.
Are you checking in every 5 minutes wondering where your miracle is? Have you been twiddling your anxious thumbs waiting for your blessing to arrive? Surrender and then surrender some more.
*Shout out to Gabby Bernstein
Where does a man go for redemption
Where does he take a broken heart
Shouldn’t there be some small exemption
If he does all that it takes
To admit to his mistakes
Til the truth batters and breaks his world apart
I could ask for my forgiveness
From the heavens high above
Tell myself my prayers are gonna somehow be enough
-Kenny Chesney “Always Gonna Be You”
Where does true forgiveness lie? Etched in the pews of a modest country road church? Locked within the heart of the wronged? Hidden in the subtext of a love song, just waiting to strike out like an epiphany? In the hands of the divine, ready and always wanting to be given (if only we accept)? Buried somewhere beneath our guilt and Sacred Lies and ambivalence?
The answer comes in pieces.
Forgiveness from another is nice. It’s comfort. It’s catharsis. It can be closure. It is not, however, necessary to move on – in spite of what we tell ourselves. I’ve learned that often the best you can do is sincerely apologize (justifications can taint the sincerity), make amends (if possible), and then move it along. They’ll come around or they won’t.
Forgiveness from the divine is wholly attainable and, for me, wholly necessary. Simply ask, simply be ready to receive and it is ours. I believe in a great many things, a benevolent divining force is high on that list.
You could stop here, many do, but then you’re stopping short on that road to true peace of mind. Yes, apologize to the wronged and seek forgiveness from the divine, but ultimately this missing peace comes from somewhere a little closer to home.
So often we keep ourselves plied with guilt. Self-flagellation is an unfortunate hobby – and a popular one. We literally drive ourselves crazy holding onto guilt. We internalize OR side-step OR project and transform the issue at hand until barely recognizable OR disguise it as a never-ending grand quest to win the approval of God. Maybe it’s some amalgamation of all of the above. Everyone is different.
You may never get the forgiveness you seek wrapped in a neat little bow (or at all). You may never receive the final word from above that you’re good to go (trust me, you are). What you can do is take control of the person keeping you up nights, browbeating you, infringing upon (and projecting in) other relationships, because it’s you.
Forgive and forgive again. Forgive everyone and everything like it’s going out of style. Forgive hard and often until day by day (and then moment by moment) you begin to feel the weight of fear, guilt, regret, and ill-wishes slide off your shoulders and into the Earth to be neutralized and left behind.
This is the one ‘F’ word that will always end in joy. It may hurt at first, but remember…
“Being genuinely happy means you’re okay being unhappy”
Is something weighing you down? What are you holding onto that is keeping you cycle of dwelling and guilt?
What can you forgive yourself for? What can you let go of?
Leave a comment. Write a letter to yourself. Pray. Whatever you have to do to acknowledge and release it.
What do your fear?
Let me ask you again,
What do you fear?
What keeps you up nights
fraternizing with a trashy paparazzi magazine,
a bottle of wine,
and a bedside lamp
when you know you should be indulging
in the ultimate act self-love (R&R)?
What cripples you –
rips apart your relationships,
scales down your earning potential,
stops you from shuffling forward
even when you can feel emanating beauty
of silver linings just ahead?
Now ask yourself again:
What do you fear?
Dig deeper, harder.
Get bloody and messy,
break through the self-imposed walls.
What do you fear?
Everything is relative,
it’s never quite what we think it is at first.
Hold it up to the sunlight,
and watch the shadows it casts.
Have you been running in the same circles,
peeking around the corner of the same thing
to finally feel the sunlight hit just the crown of your head?
Its mere existence is a course correction.
Then, even more difficult than uncovering that root fear,
Embrace the hell out of it.
Cover it with genuine, warm, wet kisses;
watch it change form
and dissolve into nothingness.